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That was the first time I'd seen you since I found hope in the car that day, kissed your cheek, and a look in the eyes before you turned away from me. I painted my face, acted like a clown flopping my feet and squeaking my horn. I stood mute and waited. Then you broke my heart in a text message, saying you'd found a new toy. The disconnection of modernity. Meet them in text. Ditch them in text. Never feel a thing. Feelings are in the eyes and people are old shoes.
If you are the Hayes Valley bicycle and everyone gets a ride, then I am the Hayes Valley clown for one and all to laugh at. This is hard to bear most days. The outsider. Thinking of you and the new toy in bed on the sheets you peddle.
It must be nice to be one of the beautiful people. All I have are things to adorn me.
The walking soulless selfish contradictions we all are. I wanted to love you so perfectly and wanted to be loved. I dreamed it could be perfect. I saw, I tasted, I felt, I heard and for one sweet moment I had --I found it in you, just knowing the unknowable. I couldn't explain it. I tried. I still can't. Or I can't stand to try. I'd never felt like that. I was crazy. But the best kind of crazy the kind that means well.
Was it my mind or my eyes which deceived me? I prayed to God and I begged the devil to get you back. I wanted to show you all the love in my heart. I wanted to scream it and show you something you'd never known. I wanted to behold it myself. So many dark days have passed.
I think of you daily. I imagine you think of me never. I spend my holidays alone. I cook alone. I walk to work. I walk home. Most people including yourself would tell me to forget about you. I wish I could.
I so wish I could. Can the lost just forget home or the hungry about food? I've had well over fifty first dates since we split--since you split. Dating for men is a s game. A gamble for the plastic coated joker. Anything to take my mind off it. That thing. That feeling I had for you. The figures appear to swirl, yet remain perfectly still. I'd sell my soul for a loving life with you.
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